Shalom

I watched Shalom in the Home today - this is a great show that I have only caught once or twice. Shmuley, the host, said some interesting things that struck a chord with me, and I'm still turning them over in my mind. Generally it helps me to turn them over in writing even more, so here goes. One of the things he said was "God gave you these children so that you could learn to be more like them, not so they could learn to be more like you."

The Bible tells us that we should train our children up in the way they should go, and also that we are to become more and more like Christ the longer that we follow him. You could say that these ideas are in conflict with what Shmuley said, but in the context of the show I didn't really take it that way. The Bible also says that we should have faith like a child. I think this is closer to what Shmuley was getting at. Being a parent, it's really not a question in my mind that we are born seeking after selfish things, and perfectly capable of sin as soon as we can walk and talk. Yet at the same time we are born with such innocence. And such ability to learn and be taught about kindness and love. My boys express things so freely, both love and other emotions, without all the complications that we as adults put around our emotions. It's refreshing.

The decision to have children is the decision that your life isn't going to be about you any more. And with each child that intensifies. I can't really think of anything else that could teach us to be more like the Heavenly Father than loving our spouse and children day in and day out. I am definitely talking about love in the verb sense, not in the feeling sense. I know for sure that God gave me my children so that I could learn from them. I learn about who they are and I see that wonderful curiosity, fun, innocence, faith, and unconditional love. I also learn about me so that God can mold and change me through this process. Sometimes that is incredibly painful. I am so grateful for it though. I rejoice that my life is not about me. Some days I try to resist that fact and those are not good days. When I accept it and see the joy and the fun in the task at hand, those are the good days! It is way more joyful and way more fun when it's not all about you.

Another thought process that Shmuley has set in motion in me: Matt and I have been focused many times as we parent together on teaching the boys good behavior and to respect authority. We think discipline is very important. [Probably because they would have managed to tear the house apart completely or seriously maim themselves or each other without it!] But some days we have let these concerns become too much the emphasis. I don't think we've ever lost sight of treasuring our boys' playfulness or their need for fun times with us. I just know that somewhere along the line I've allowed my desire for their respect to become a demand, rather than something I try to inspire in them. Tonight I realized that I was asking Ian to set an example for Caleb, without setting the example myself. And I had a wonderful example of his childlike innocence when I apologized to him. He doesn't hold a grudge. He seemed to understand, and appreciate, what I said and then he let it go with a smile and "that's okay mommy, I have a kiss for you now". I have fantastic kids! I do not want to mess them up!! I really want to be a parent that earns their respect, and inspires them to want to be good kids, rather than expecting or demanding it. I don't think that means I have to lose any of my authority role with them either. I think it means I have to get much more creative, and probably put even more energy into this than I already do. God help me.

Daddy Hero

Since day 1 my Ian has been a mama's boy. For the first few years of Ian's life Matt has had to endure many tears and cries for mama, and sometimes even being shoved away and told that he wasn't wanted. He has persisted in being a wonderful loving fun daddy to Ian, even when there were times I know his feelings were hurt over it. Caleb's arrival in our family created some forced bonding between them because I was otherwise occupied, and also gave Matt the gift of a little boy who is very free in his affection - he got lots of hugs and cuddles from Caleb even on days when Ian was pulling out his most mama-clingy behavior. Caleb has now reached an age where he is starting to sometimes prefer mama, though it's never with the intensity that Ian demonstrated it. For Matt and Ian though, in the last few weeks the tides have turned. All the sudden Ian has been crying for daddy during the day, and talks about him all the time. I have been asked when I will go away to work and daddy will stop going to work and come home to take care of Ian all day. Matt has been questioned about when he will retire. Ian just wants his daddy!!! In the mornings for the past two years Ian has jumped out of his big boy bed as soon as he was permitted (and sometimes earlier) and climbed into our bed next to mama for snuggling. Some days it would just be a brief hug before he was off to play. Lots of days he would go back to sleep all warm and snuggled in. About a week ago or a little longer, I became chopped liver. I have been consistently bypassed every morning - he high tails it around the bed to Matt's side and clambers in. I don't even get a good morning.

It may sound like I'm complaining, but I'm not. I won't pretend that I don't often think he's growing up too fast, or miss the amount of affection I used to get, but I am just so happy for the two of them! I know from the child development courses I took in college and the books I've read that this is very normal, for a three year old boy to begin to idolize his father. This is the time when a child is developing gender identification, and I think my husband is a fabulous role model, the very best a little boy could have, in this way. It is a strong sign that they have a very healthy relationship. And I also won't pretend it's not a relief that the one Ian seems to want at the end of the day when I'm worn out, is daddy! It frees me up to either take a much needed break, or to get to stand aside and watch the two of them together, which invariably brings joy to my heart.

two things to make you laugh

Ian and his daddy sometimes share a less than soothing bedtime ritual of telling the story of Jack and the Beanstalk. Yesterday Ian was stomping around the house shouting, "Fee Fi Fo Fum, I smell the blood of an Englishmaaaaan." Next thing we know, Caleb's little voice is calling, "Fee Fi Fo, I smell it!" He's caught on to our amusement at this and now it's getting repeated quite a lot. You'd be surprised at his comedic timing. :-)

Here's a link to a Dave Barry article that I remembered reading a long time ago, which relates to the story in my last post. Babies and Restaurants: the Chernobyl of Parenting.

I'm off to go collect our things from the church, which we had to evacuate this morning due to a fire upstairs near our Sunday School room! I don't think it was too serious, but since there was a thunderstorm in progress at the time they told everyone to get in their cars and go home. Thank God Ian didn't take Bear today, and we have a back up for Caleb's lovey Bear Blankie. See, we've regained some of our intelligence since being new parents.

new pics posted

Hi - check out the gallery link to see photos from our vacation, this year's visit to see tractors, and some shots of Veronica's stay with us.

There are several stories to go along with these photos, but I'll just tell one. In the beginning of the vacation album, you'll see shots of the Berry kids along with our kids. Our vacation was just a few hours away from a dear friend's home in North Carolina, so they graciously piled their kids up and drove to see us at our beach house for a couple of days. We haven't seen one another in quite some time, and we'd never met their youngest. It was such a blessing to get to hang out again!

I suppose we were all rather presumptuous, in thinking that we could go on a sightseeing adventure with six kids as part of our visit. We went to the Cape Hatteras lighthouse. If you follow the pictures you may notice two types: pics from the lighthouse, and tired worn out kids. Well, it turns out that this is the tallest lighthouse in the United States and you can only climb it if you are 42" or taller. No child can be carried at any point either inside the lighthouse or up on the balcony at the top. Either you're big enough to walk it alone or you don't go. Ian made it only because his hair is so spiky right at the top. :-) So, Kelle, baby Roman, Sami (2), myself, and Caleb (21 months) decided we'd walk down to the beach and let the others go up to the lighthouse. Well, the only way to the beach is to walk the path where they moved the lighthouse a few years ago. You can see it in one of our photos. This is gravel and sand mostly, with some grass growing up in between. Some parts are all sand. It was a HOT day. Many of you parents may have also discovered that strollers don't go very well over sand. You are either carrying the stroller with child inside it (Kelle) or you are pulling it backwards behind you until you give up on it altogether and leave it by the side of the sand dune and go on (me). The upshot of all this was that Kelle and I ended up stranded on the sclading hot beach with three very unhappy babes, and Matt and I had mistakenly not transferred car keys to each other so he couldn't bring the van over even if he'd known that we were getting desperate. Kelle's cell phone died, and she didn't know where Michael or Mikey (her husband and older son) were at. What we really needed were about four more sets of hands, and vehicles to come pick us up! Everyone, Ian especially, had a blast touring the lighthouse, but of course that was tiring too. Eventually we all found each other and got everybody what they needed - no harm done in the end - but we had to laugh at ourselves. Why did we think we'd actually get to visit in this situation?? This is the silly illogical brain of the parent. I think it's just a defense mechanism. You go through this cycle of gearing up to believe that you can successfully get out of the house and enjoy things like you used to as long as you pack enough stuff. And once you've actually done it you realize, we went out, we did that, but we didn't actually get to relax or enjoy anything! So then you hole up for a while and only do fairly risk free (extremely kid friendly) activities, until you start to get that itch again and somehow you think, this time it will work. Even though the past 14 experiences have told you it won't, you just can't live holed up all the time!! Anyway it was really great to see the Berrys again despite this less than relaxing portion of our trip. :-)

Enjoy the pictures.

still here

This has been quite the hectic month. We've had my eight-year-old cousin Veronica living with us while her family was in China. First we spent a week with her in North Carolina, near Cape Hatteras. This was loads of fun for all, though Matt and I were laughing at ourselves for having bought beach chairs. Sit down and read while on vacation with three kids? Ha ha ha. That never happened. Even with grandma and grandpa in tow. But we never would have chanced it without them I don't think!

Having Veronica with us has created some trade-offs in our home. The noise level has gone up exponentially. You would never know this to meet our family in public, because Ian and Vee both clam up with strangers. But get them on their own.... it gives me a new appreciation for all the noise we must have made as kids when the cousins came over and we roller skated on my parents' hardwood floors upstairs while the adults were trying to visit right beneath us. Sometimes in the last month Matt and I have just sat on the floor, dazed, while listening to what sounds like our house coming down around us. And we're not sure we're done having kids. Hmmmmmmm.....

The flip side of that coin is the wonderful joy of seeing these cousins play together. They love each other. They have such a great time. Ian has had to learn some new ways to interact because Vee is so different and obviously more mature than Caleb! It's been good for him. And, I am not called on to entertain the boys all day long! They are naturally entertaining each other. This is one of the reasons I've always wanted to have more than two kiddos.

All this makes it sound like Matt and I are decision-making about more kids. We're not. But this situation just makes us think. Kids love to be around other kids. It brings a whole new dynamic to have more than one person to play with at any given time. Our selfish adult nature screams daily though, "what about some peace and quiet!!!!" "What about having a conversation with one another or some time alone?" "What about having some extra cash to be able to do basic home maintenance for once..." None of that really seems important though when I look at those little faces and hear them saying their prayers at night, or gather them around me on the couch to read a story. Today Veronica told me that if I were her mom, she'd be a mama's girl. You'd have to know the whole sordid tale of her life (she lives with grandma and grandpa now) to fully appreciate that, but those are the moments when you just know that extra time to read a book or fresh paint on your siding or having a clean carpet just does NOT matter. Not eternally.

So often during the hectic moments it takes God working through me to be able to respond to the 432nd request of the day with a smile and a heart to serve. And there are moments every day that I fail at that! I thank God for a supportive and highly involved husband, for supportive and highly involved grandparents and Auntie Em, and for my dear mom friends who I can call up and just hear their voices. Sometimes we can't even say what all we are going through out loud, but just to know that they are there and going through it too means so much.

Well anyway, tomorrow is Vee's last day with us. I suspect next week is going to be quite interesting for me as the boys adjust to it being just the three of us during the day again. I anticipate missing having another girl in the house, and that they will be missing their playmate and will likely be extra demanding of me. I will probably also be relishing that first naptime when my house will actually be quiet for the first time in a month. Ahhhh. :-)

Pictures are hopefully soon to come of our vacation and even more recent as well.