honesty

I am praying these days for God to help me with my mouth. What I want is for gentle, but consistent, correction of my children. What I dish out, seems lately to be consistently less than gentle. These boys of mine can be so wonderful, and yet so maddening! They are normal kids, testing the limits and trying to gain independence, as they are meant to do. I have learned that I vent my frustration verbally, and it is not pretty. It is often the worst part of my feelings that comes out of my mouth - and the worst part of my feelings usually are not long-lived... so my words aren't even a good representation of my true feelings. I want to get better control of this so that my children will know my true feelings towards them. I do not want them to remember childhood as a time when mom was always exasperated with them. I do not want them to ever think that I value peace and quiet more than I value them. Some days I get it right and it feels so good to know that I have been gracious and demonstrated a little understanding towards my kids, even in moments of correction, and brought peace to my home. Other days I know that my kids needed correction but I delivered it in such a harsh way that it created more problems than it solved. I have been working on these issues for a long time and have gone through seasons of real improvement, but I feel like I've gone backward a little in this area lately and want to turn that tide. My heart's desire is to be a mom who guards her boys' hearts through love and understanding and truth-giving and fun. I also want to raise boys who understand how to be respectful of others and who know limits and can submit themselves to authority. I see in these two boys the sweetest little hearts. They can be rotten at times, no doubt (just like their mother) but the potential is there for extremely compassionate, thinking, loving people. I don't want to squash it! I never want to break their trust or damage our relationship with harshness. I already know that I cannot do this on my own. I have failed too many times for me to even think it is possible apart from God's strength. I desperately need His grace to be patient in moments that test my patience, to be gentle in moments when it is my tendency to lash out. And the worst part is it may feel good in/for the moment to say what is on my mind but it ends up just creating more stress and guilt! Using my mouth for my own stress relief is not what it was made for! God gave me words to build others up and encourage them, not for selfish gain.

Just being honest.