honesty
I am praying these days for God to help me with my mouth. What I want is for gentle, but consistent, correction of my children. What I dish out, seems lately to be consistently less than gentle. These boys of mine can be so wonderful, and yet so maddening! They are normal kids, testing the limits and trying to gain independence, as they are meant to do. I have learned that I vent my frustration verbally, and it is not pretty. It is often the worst part of my feelings that comes out of my mouth - and the worst part of my feelings usually are not long-lived... so my words aren't even a good representation of my true feelings. I want to get better control of this so that my children will know my true feelings towards them. I do not want them to remember childhood as a time when mom was always exasperated with them. I do not want them to ever think that I value peace and quiet more than I value them. Some days I get it right and it feels so good to know that I have been gracious and demonstrated a little understanding towards my kids, even in moments of correction, and brought peace to my home. Other days I know that my kids needed correction but I delivered it in such a harsh way that it created more problems than it solved. I have been working on these issues for a long time and have gone through seasons of real improvement, but I feel like I've gone backward a little in this area lately and want to turn that tide. My heart's desire is to be a mom who guards her boys' hearts through love and understanding and truth-giving and fun. I also want to raise boys who understand how to be respectful of others and who know limits and can submit themselves to authority. I see in these two boys the sweetest little hearts. They can be rotten at times, no doubt (just like their mother) but the potential is there for extremely compassionate, thinking, loving people. I don't want to squash it! I never want to break their trust or damage our relationship with harshness. I already know that I cannot do this on my own. I have failed too many times for me to even think it is possible apart from God's strength. I desperately need His grace to be patient in moments that test my patience, to be gentle in moments when it is my tendency to lash out. And the worst part is it may feel good in/for the moment to say what is on my mind but it ends up just creating more stress and guilt! Using my mouth for my own stress relief is not what it was made for! God gave me words to build others up and encourage them, not for selfish gain.
Just being honest.
posted by ftmomma @ 7:42 PM
4 comments
4 Comments:
Beth, I had a few random thoughts as I was reading, that I have shared in each paragraph below:
I don't believe that words are meant to be used specifically for good. Words, and tone of voice, are tools. Tools can be used to do harm or to do good, and *how* you use them is usually just a reflection on your inner self. That inner self is what actually makes the decision, so I think you should look at your words as a reflection of how you really are feeling. So the real question is about your feelings, which leads to "what are humans for?" and I leave that question as an exercise for the reader :)
You have to remember that you aren't perfect... and that your kids will be just fine, even so ;) You are an extremely caring and thoughtful parent, and I can't believe that your kids would ever not see you as "mother" - safe, loving, guiding, pushing, trustworthy, and sometimes human. It's OK to be human, and in the long scale, it's even a good thing for your kids; they will learn lessons when they are young about some things having disproportionate consequences, and they will eventually realize (as they get older) that moms are human, too - and that's a good thing.
There is a practical concern, of course, about harsh words just cause a net increase in your frustration level, because of the reaction to those words. So it is probably a good idea to limit their use, but again, everybody has limits somewhere, and there's no shame in being pushed beyond your limits. But I agree that it's a good idea to try improve your limits, because that helps everything. I just don't think you should feel guilty about whatever limits you currently have :)
And lastly, it sounds like you are seeing a longer-term trend, around the ebb and flow of these inner feelings that lead to harsh words. I'd suggest that you examine the causes of that ebb and flow, and then try to find ways to mitigate those causes. For example, maybe it's worse during certain age periods with the boys. Or maybe it's whenever some other stress has built up and you haven't been able to let it out. I think you'll have more success trying to find practical ways to mitigate the cause of the problem, rather than trying to just make yourself so much stronger that you never feel the need to use harsh words. The first approach is fairly easily manageable, while the second requires a lot of stress and is not usually very successful. And the first approach can usually be implemented immediately, once you figure out an approach :)
Isn't it always such an interesting balance between our influence on our kids and their influence on us? They act on base emotion, raw passion, and explosive energy. When directed, it's wonderful, imaginative, inspiring, and beautiful. When unchecked, it's a cause for concern and even potentially dangerous. I don't think it's reasonable to expect that we can always be 100% consistent, patient, and put-together with these kids of ours. We're learning to be parents each day in the same way that they're learning about their world. The goal is to manage the overall trends, and not the minutia of the ups-and-downs.
To Nathan's comment - we (humans) were created to love and be loved. And our kids will never for one second question whether they are loved or whether that love is conditional! But, to your point Beth, we *are* called to not sin in our anger (Eph 4:26), to speak the truth in love (Eph 4:15), and to build others up according to their needs (Eph 4:29). These aren't things that we naturally do - they take practice as we daily strive to imitate our role model (Eph 5:1); which doing that gives our little munchy guys the freedom to imitate theirs. Love - Hubby-husbando!
hmmm...I am right there with you sister. So...here is the part where I should offer sage, sound advice. But, the truth is...I am as much a wretch as you when it comes to this. I have seen God improve me in this way but OH how much farther I have to go. I don't think anything frustrates me more than childishness...my two year old unloading the dishwasher as I load it, or dumping all 64 ounces of bubbles on the deck, or my twelve year old hurting his brother, or my ten year old smarting off to me...should I go on? It is all incredibly irritating. So..I struggle. And I see my need all the more for a savior. And I pray for God's grace to cover my weaknesses in my kids' lives. And I go on. UGH. It is so hard. But, if I can see your true heart from where I am...I KNOW your kids can too! Love ya friend, M.
So I never really followed up on this post - but I just wanted to say that I so appreciate each of you for taking the time to comment on this. So much thoughtfulness went into all the comments and that means a lot. It is a wonderful blessing to have a husband and friends who care about me and about what is happening in my life. Your support encourages me and most definitely helps me be a better mom so thank you!
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